Have you ever wanted to be more confident and secure in who you are? I have. So often in this life, I believe that the confidence to walk in your identity is one of the deepest struggles we face that keeps us from living the dreams that the Lord has given us. I want to share with you my own journey in discovering not only the confidence and identity that I carry in the Lord, but also the beautiful effect of restoration that spills over into the rest of your life as your internal process unfolds.  

The environment I was raised in was very dysfunctional and challenging for most of my childhood. With my siblings, I was the sister who always was intentionally left out and disregarded. To my father, I was a daughter who was never quite enough of what he needed me to be. So often, I experienced feelings of rejection by those closest to me, and as a result, it began to infiltrate my perception of who I was.

My own inner voice began mirroring those negative voices, and I began to believe that I was not enough and that love had to be earned.

As I continued to grow older, before others even had a chance to reject me, I had already begun to devalue and disqualify myself.

However, the beauty of the Lord is that He never intends to leave us in our own brokenness and inner turmoil. He first began to redeem the negative way I saw myself through the process of meeting and falling in love with my husband, Oleg. My husband would express his love towards me consistently in many powerful ways, and slowly my walls of self-deprecation began to crumble. The lies that had been planted in my heart for so many years were replaced by positive truths that my husband called out in me that I did not see in myself. I was worth loving, I was worth being chosen, I was favored, and that I was seen.

As my husband’s love began the redemption process of how I saw myself, a deeper revelation of the Lord as my Father and my Bridegroom continued to transform my heart more than I ever thought possible. One of the most powerful revelations was when I became pregnant with my first child, Jadon. As this sweet little baby grew in my womb, a love for this child that I had never met began to expand my heart beyond its initial capacity. This love was not dictated by performance or by any actions on his part. But rather it was simply a love of him as my son, my flesh and blood—more precious than rubies. I began to understand just a fraction of the love that the Lord has towards me. A love not bound by my performance towards Him, but by the pure fact that I was His Daughter, His creation. It was extremely redeeming in the way I perceived the Father to see me.

As Jadon continued to grow in my womb, I began to feel pregnant with dreams of a life shared with him. This expanded into dreams over his future and who he would become. It bridged the gap I felt within my own dreams and desires that I had been pregnant with since childhood.  Most of my life, these dreams of a greater purpose had felt overwhelming and beyond my abilities. But as this new confidence began to weave its way into the fabric of my identity, I began to gain another level of confidence and assurance that these dreams were not impossible nor dictated by my abilities. Rather, they were a part of my inheritance as a Daughter of the King, established by His own dreams over my life. I began seeing my future with fresh eyes and a faith to soar higher as I felt the hope of the Lord rise up increasingly within me to step out into the woman He created me to be.

The beautiful thing about our journey with the Lord in this life is that the inner healing that He brings about within also begins to trickle into the friendships and relationships surrounding us. I have seen God restore so many family relationships over the years that had been seemingly beyond repair. As well as the fact that the restoration and empowerment process never stops once we find healing. Sometimes the next season of growth is found in an unexpected moment where the Lord uses a situation or opportunity to challenge us beyond what we have become comfortable with.  Feelings initially begin to arise again—fear and thoughts of inadequacy come to the forefront of the emotions.

Recently, I once again faced those feelings of inadequacy and fear when I found myself preparing to go on a mission trip to Haiti with my son, Jadon.  For almost 20 years, I had been wholeheartedly focused on growing and encouraging others in their dreams, while most of my own dreams of missions and evangelism had remained on the back burner. The dynamic of how I grew up had made it difficult to prioritize these dreams, and I had found it easier to partner with others’ dreams in seeing their fulfillment. When the opportunity to go to Haiti came around, it brought all those dreams to the forefront with God shouting that it was still a “YES” to what I carried deep inside.

Because when it came to the things in my heart that I was passionate about, most times in life I found myself fighting outside influences of rejection, disapproval, envy, mockery or being told that it looked like I was just trying to show off.

And when that last voice presents itself, I always tried hiding or limiting myself. A tug-of-war commenced between what God says about me and all the other voices I’ve heard speak over me. In the midst of it, I chose to find the courage to be fully true to my identity and the passion that emanated from within. His opinion is what really matters, not the outside or inner voices clamoring for the mike. Now there is a value in taking to heart other’s shared wisdom, however, we cannot allow our hearts to be manipulated by opinions if it does not align with what the Lord says about our identity.

In the midst of these voices, I began stepping out of the boat so to speak, and decided that this trip was going I was going to face everything that normally made me feel uncomfortable or afraid. One of the first days in Haiti, I was asked to share my testimony at a local service. Though I had shared many times over the years at services in my own community, I found myself facing those familiar emotions that had taken resided in my heart so long ago. On one hand, my spirit was bursting with boldness, strength, and security, but yet my physical stature felt frail. In spite of these emotions, I chose to face the thing that makes me so uncomfortable, and give the Lord an opportunity to increase my trust as I depended on Him for the words to say before the crowd of people.

As we were getting ready to head to the service, our team circled to pray over me, and began to say things that I didn’t expect but really needed to hear. Words began pouring out like “We are so happy it’s you that gets to speak! I choose you! And God wanted it to be you!” I stood there and began to cry. I felt the Lord begin to break through that spirit of rejection that was trying keep itself rooted in my heart.

One of my great passions is to be a person that empowers others to see their greatest potential, step out into their dreams, and see the fulfillment of God’s promises over their lives. I understand that in order for me to do this well I must know how to confront my own insecurities when they come. I like how Kris Vallotton puts it,  “Everyone has insecurities but those that know how to manage them well refuse to let their insecurities dictate how they relate to those around them.” The word of God challenges us to relate to each other not according to our flesh but according to our spirit. As we link arms with each other and call out our strength and potential, we will be a healthier body and so much more effective in bringing about His kingdom on Earth as it is in Heaven. In my next post, I will continue the conversation on what it looks like to overcome fear and insecurity and become victorious in embracing your own promises and the promises of those around you.